I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
