I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
