her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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