I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
