I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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