apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
