dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
