every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
