I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
