he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize