When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
