When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
