I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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