We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
