so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
