a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
