think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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