ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My balls are so social today.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
