I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
