Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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