If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
