I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize