i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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