pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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