who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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