As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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