Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
