she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
