A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I FOUND THE LEGS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
