i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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