I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude. I can hear the air.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
