this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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