things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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