I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
