I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
