Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
