dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found puke in my bra..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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