So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
