I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
