do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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