I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
