some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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