Little spoons don't ask big questions
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
