Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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