last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
