Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
