If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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