Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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