So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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