He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
