I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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