just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
