I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
