i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
