why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
