i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
